


With Just A Look

by Sweetsigh



Category: In the Flesh (TV)
Genre: Angst, Boys fall in love, Growing Up, M/M, TW: Homophobia, TW: Suicide, Vaguely internalized homophobia
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-08-02
Updated: 2013-08-02
Packaged: 2017-12-22 04:04:56
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,435
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/908685
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sweetsigh/pseuds/Sweetsigh
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>They're four when they meet. There's a boy running wild in the park as another watches from the swings.</p>
            </blockquote>





	With Just A Look

**Author's Note:**

> Unbeta'd,   
> Trigger warnings in the end notes.

They were four when they meet. Kieren’s mother walked him down the street to the park, his arm stretched high to keep his hand in hers. She smiled at him, giving him a nudge in the direction of the playground before dropping his hand in favor of walking toward woman sitting on the benches. There’s another boy in the park, running wild and laughing as he chases a puppy. Kieren shuffled to the swing set to sit by himself and watched the other boy and his dog. When the pup hears the clitter-clat of the swing’s chains settling against each other, it runs up to sniff at his legs. He looks down at the dog, nervous at the sudden interest from the animal, before a pair of shoes enter his line of sight.

Kieren looks up.

The boy's smile is blinding, wide and welcoming, grin spread ear to ear.

"Hi. I'm Ricky. Want to be friends?"

And that was that.

\--

"Don't you fuckin' touch him!" And the towering figure is shoved away from him. Kieren looks up and Ricky --Rick now, he's been Rick since he turned 8, since his dad said he needed a man's name, not a boy's-- Rick is punching Kieren's bully away while screaming profanities a ten year old shouldn't be saying on school grounds. The bully runs off with a last shout of "sissy!"

"I'm fine Rick. I just fell is all" he wipes the dirt from his trousers as Rick pats him down for any other injuries. "Get off. I'm fine."

"Your mum's going to have a conniption if you come home with another bruise. When are these losers going to leave you be?" Rick mumbles as he reaches down to pick up the art pad off the ground. His hands gentle when he brushes off the dirt from the page it landed on, careful not to smear the ugly mindless doodles Kieren drew during class.

"Never probably. I'm too much of an easy target" and Rick scowls at Kieren's self deprecating smile.

Rick juts out his jaw, angrily crossing his arms. "Well, I won't let anyone hurt you."

At that, Kieren offers an honest grin.

"My hero"

\--

They're sitting side by side, candles lit all around them to light up the cave and a bottle of coke wedged in between them. They found the cave the year before while stumbling around the woods on an 'adventure'.

Kieren has his art pad out again and Rick is reading their English homework aloud. There's a moment of silence, the soft skch-skch sounds of a 4H pencil against heavy grain paper the only thing that can be heard. He looks up and sees Rick staring forward at the cave wall.

"I think I'm going to break up with Jenny."

This comes as a surprise to Kieren.

"But I thought you really liked her!"

Rick sighs and gives a nonchalant shrug. "I did but..." He sighs again and runs his fingers roughly through his hair. "She keeps tellin me that I'm not spending enough time with her!"

To which Kieren makes a face because this was the first time he spent time with his friend in three days. He'd heard Jenny complaining to Rick in the hallways, asking him to ditch Kieren to take her on a date instead. But Kieren just wants to be a good friend and keep Rick happy. "Maybe you could spend more time with her."

This time it's Rick making the faces. Mock horror unable to cover up the bit of hurt in his expression. "But Kiereeeeen! When would I have time to see you? Stupid Ren." He shakes his head and knocks it back against the wall behind him and closes his eyes. Kieren chews on his lips before returning to making the half hearted skch-skch sounds of paper and pencil that Rick had told him was comforting.

"I should be heading home. Dad's waiting." Rick mumbles.

"Hmm."

More skch-skch.

"I think I'll join the rugby team next year. Think that'll make dad proud?"

Kieren just gives a tired smile. "Yeah, mate. He'll be proud."

\--

It wasn't that Kieren was attracted to men. No. He's looked at ladies before, has dreamt their shapes and curves at night. But there may have been a dream or two of arms too muscular for a woman's or a jaw too angular with just a touch of stubble. He keeps those thoughts to himself. Though he might have given in a few times and puts it on paper. Calls it art practice and hides them amongst drawings of women as well. And if he looks a little too long when Rick is on the rugby field, waving to Kieren on the benches and giving him a winning smile like he was Rick's lucky charm, or when he's changing out of his school clothes in his room while Kieren sits on his bed, well, no one else needs to know.

\---

Word gets around that he kissed the Simmons boy by the ball court. It's dumb. The Simmons boy used to push him around as a kid. No way Kieren would kiss that. Couldn't have paid him to.

But others would believe it. In fact, they did. He was meeting up with Rick that night at the local pub owned by the Grangers where Rick cleaned tables ( _Get a job_ , his dad said. _Build some character_ ). He walks through the doors and silence falls on the entire room. He spots Rick in the back corner, dish towel in hand. Rick is opening his mouth but before he can say anything, someone shuts that pansies weren't welcome.

The remark brings an onslaught of others.

_Fairies should just leave._

_Gays are unnatural._

_They don't serve homosexuals in this bar._

_Sodomy is a sin, don't you know that, son?_

The comments and slurs has Kieren reeling. He stands, shocked and confused. People, who admittedly never much cared for him but certainly left him alone, he had known for his life suddenly attacking him.

"Leave him alone!" Rick barks out from his corner. He throws down his towel and stomps over to Kieren. "Simmons is a liar and needs to find better things to do with his time than spread rumors like a little girl. I'm off shift now. I'll see you tomorrow Mrs Granger."

With that, he grabs Kieren's hand and drags him out of the pub. He leads him through the forest and doesn't let go until he reaches the cave. He takes out a lighter and lights the candle trail into their nook, lighting the rest of the candles.

Rick plops down unceremoniously while Kieren takes timeto settle in. There's a moment of quiet before Kieren decides to speak up.

"Thanks for back there. Was worried that someone might start throwin punches."

Rick just shrugs "I told you I'd never let anyone hurt you."

"Oh" the silence becomes a little awkward.

"So did you?"

"Did I what?"

"Did you kiss him? Did you kiss that arsehole that pushed you around for years." Kieren gives Rick a disbelieving look and Rick stutters out nervously, "not- not that I would care about you going around kissing men but just why him? He is such a dick, Ren." The last part is grumbled out petulantly.

Kieren takes a second before he bursts out laughing.

"Rick, I didn't fucking kiss Simmons. Jesus. What are you jealous?" Kieren keeps laughing until he realizes Rick hasn't said another word, his head bent low and fist clenched tight. "Rick? What is it?"

"And if I am?"

"Am what?"

Rick snaps his head up, jaw jutting out, looking like he did years ago when he told Kieren he wouldn't let anyone hurt him. "Jealous. If I am jealous."

Kieren stops laughing. Opens his mouth. Closes it. Opens it again.

Rick grabs him by the front of his shirt and pulls him into a rough kiss. It's bruising and not at all pleasant, more as if Rick was daring him to deny his feelings toward Kieren. It's the harsh press of lips, hard enough to feel the teeth behind the set of lips, Kieren's eyes open wide in shock and Rick's squeezed tightly shut.

When Rick lets him go, he pushes Kieren away, scrambling to his feet.

“I shouldn’t have done that. I’m sorry, Ren, just forget about it all. I shouldn’t have done that.”

He’s stumbling around, trying not to knock over the candles when Kieren finally reaches out and grabs Rick’s arm.

“I...” Kieren swallows his fear because Rick is usually the brave one but now it’s his turn to be brave. “Did you mean it?”

Rick doesn't say anything, just nods as if it’s painful for him to admit it. “And if I don’t want to forget?”

“You don’t mind then?” There’s a new nervousness to Rick, hope in his voice. “That I’m … the way I am?”

Slowly, Kieren pulls him into a hug, rubbing his hands down Rick’s back as Rick buries his face in the crook of Kieren’s neck.

“You’re my best mate.”

There’s a quiet sniffling by Kieren’s ear that he’ll never bring up. He pulls back, takes Rick’s face in his hands and looks him in the eyes.

“We’ll figure it out.”

\---

Kieren is flying high.

The next few weeks are filled with secretive smiles and quick touches and small kisses. They’re still best friends to the public, but in the privacy of their cave, they can be whatever they want. When they leave the cave, they part with kisses. When Kieren goes to bed, he falls asleep to thoughts of Rick’s face being lit by candle light, of gentle and rough touches, of whispers of ‘Ren’ and ‘God, Ren’ and ‘Christ, _Ren_ ’.

It’s benediction.

But he knows it’s hard on Rick. Knows Bill, his father, would never approve. What they are doing was against the way of the church, against the way men are. Kieren knows more than anything that Rick wants to be like his dad, even if Kieren thinks Bill is a huge tit.

So he makes a CD. Songs both of them love, songs that make them both sing along out of tune with the radio, songs that make him think of Rick.

He walks over to Rick’s house, disk in hand. It’s as he approaches that he hears the shouts. Shouts of how _This isn’t how you were raised_ and _that poof was the one who did this to you_ and _you are forbidden to see that boy again_.

The door opens and Bill’s face twisted with rage as he spots Kieren and storms to where he’s standing.

“You,” he sneers, knocking the disk out of his hand and shoving an accusing finger in Kieren’s face, “are not welcome here anymore” He stomps away back into the house shoving Rick aside to get back in the house. “If that poof is still here by the time I get my jacket, I’m going to get the rifle out!”

Rick looks at Kieren in horror, runs and grabs Kieren's hand and then keeps running.

\---

They’re in Kieren’s room. Rick is watching him paint thick strokes on canvas. There’s music in the background, a second CD Kieren burned since the first was left broken on the pavement of Rick’s house.

“We could go to London.” Rick says, looking at Kieren, watching for his reaction. “We could leave. Go to London. We wouldn’t have to be just friends anymore. They say no one in London cares. You could go to art school there. Royal College of Art. You can make it in. We could be _together._ ”

Kieren smiles at the thought. It sounds too good to be true.

“It could be so much better, Ren.”

\---

Kieren gets into the art school. Full scholarship. He and Rick are in the cave, a pack of cigarettes and a flask laying beside them. Kieren is on his back, staring at the ‘Ren + Rick’ scribbled on the walls. Rick pushes himself off Kieren, reaching to pull something out of the back of his jeans. It’s a postcard.

Van Gogh stares at him from the glossy front. On the back are all the things Rick was never able to say.

Kieren pulls him back down and lets Rick whisper promises of the future and together in his ear.

\---

Rick is gone the next day.

\---

Basic training, Bill tells him. Going to learn how to be a real man now.

\---

He doesn’t go to school. Not yet.

He’s going to wait for Rick to come back.

They were to go together. To start new together.

\---

He stays in his room mostly. Laying heavy smears of paint on canvas. Dark reds for anger and fear and betrayal.

\---

Then Rick dies.

\---

IED. Shrapnel pierced his armour.

\---

Gone.

Just like that.

\---

Nothing was the same.

Rick was gone.

Really gone this time. Not just away. Not just ‘not here right now’. But gone.

Ren couldn't wait for him to return anymore. There wouldn't ever be a 'together' anymore. No art school, no London.

Was it his fault?

Bill knew. Knew about Rick and Ren and sent Rick off to the military because of it. It was Ren's fault Rick was sent away. His fault Rick was sent to Afghanistan. His fault Rick died a bloody death.

It was all his fault.

\---

Time was a blur. Kieren doesn't remember eating or waking up or walking little Jem to school. He's just so tired. He doesn't remember sleeping but he must have because every so often he finds himself in bed, leaning against his headboard and looking down at a shoebox of photos and unkept promises.

\---

He finds himself in the cave, candles burnt to the last centimeter. He hasn't been back here since Rick left.

He's not sure how he got there. Not sure how long he's been there.

He can't think much at all with the heavy smothering blanket that's fallen over his thoughts for the past ... however long it's been. Can't think past how pointless it is, how useless everything is. Rick was dead and Kieren was to blame and nothing matters anymore.

'Together' was lost to him now.

\---

There's a knife in his hand.

Oh. It's the Swiss Army knife that Rick gave Ren when they were thirteen.

It's red. Not just the case but the blade as well.

There's red all over his arms too.

It was starting to get cold but Kieren didn't care. Just let the blood leave his body, imagining Rick saying 'together' and looking at the wall.

Ren sighs.

It must be taunting him.

\---

_Ren_   
_+_   
_Rick_

**Author's Note:**

> TW: Canon character deaths, homophobia, suicide
> 
> This was supposed to be like 500 words max. oh well. and this is totally similar to my inception fic. wevs. Though I might add a part two later? when he’s actually a zombie. not sure yet.  
> I really want to write something from Rick’s POV. Like how he decides that his Ren is more important than a dad that’ll never accept him, and how he gets rid of some internalized homophobia cus lets be real there’s going to be a lot of that there w a dad like that. maybe some of his regrets and how he rationalises his decision of leaving, and when he’s a rotter (sorry, not PC, a victim of PDS) pretending to still be fully alive to let his dad have his fantasy but then he goes to the bathroom and looks in the mirror, he sees the sharpie landscape that Ren drew for him when they were 15 before Ren was banned from the house. And he thinks, really thinks, why? Why did he give it up? Ren was worth more than a lie, more than living with a mask of what his dad deemed acceptable. Then it didn’t matter anymore. Ren was more than that. So he wipes away his cover up and takes out the contacts and nothing matters but being with Ren.  
> I just really want to write Rick being torn between Ren and his dad and how he has to act like a fake around his dad because he wants to be accepted and loves Ren so much because he never called Rick out for it.  
> idk. I’ll do it later. maybe.
> 
> [Edit (6/19): So I went through and fixed all the typos because apparently there were a lot (why did no one point them out) but if anyone finds anymore feel free to message/comment. I'm assuming s2 is out with the amount of attention this is suddenly getting...]


End file.
